Deflated Balls and Peek-A-Boo Penises: What a Week

Deflated balls and peek-a-boo penises are everywhere.

What’s a broad to do?

First, there’s Tom Brady and his deflated, or under-flated (however you want to describe them), balls. Either way, they are less than full-on inflated balls. And who likes that?

The New England Patriots’ “DeflateGate” drama got the whole country talking and snickering about balls this week. Thank you, Tom Brady, we are all back in junior high laughing about …yes, balls. In fact, deflated balls are nothing to laugh at, right? It means someone (i.e. the Patriots) likely cheated. Life lesson here: People with balls do not cheat.

Those mushy balls forced the NFL to release a statement Friday saying, in part: “The investigation began based on information that suggested that the game balls used by the New England Patriots were not properly inflated to levels required by the playing rules, specifically Playing Rule 2, Section 1, which requires that the ball be inflated to between 12.5 and 13.5 pounds per square inch.”

Those seem like some heavy balls.

The statement continued: “Prior to the game, the game officials inspect the footballs to be used by each team and confirm that this standard is satisfied, which was done before last Sunday’s game.”

Inspecting balls. I won’t even go there.

The NFL also hired a former Democratic operative and attorney Ted Wells, who was a campaign treasurer for Democratic Bill Bradley’s 2000 presidential campaign. Tough job but someone has to investigate Brady’s balls.

Meanwhile, across the pond, in France where the ladies wear no pants, the men are showing, well, their private parts on the runway. It’s about time, I say.

At American designer Rick Owens’ menswear show on Thursday, four male models strutted down the catwalk “wearing clothes with peepholes that showed full-frontal male nudity underneath,” according to The Guardian.

Anyone on the front row surely got an eyeful. (Pun intended.) We won’t show the pictures here because, of course, we’re too ladylike to do so. But if you care and we know you probably do, you can click here to see some models hanging out of their haute couture.

What’s the world coming to when men are showing their (insert your favorite word of choice here for that body part) to sell designer garb? Equality? Yes, possibly. It’s not just women who are now exploited for the sake of fashion.

Also, in Paris, at Acne’s spring/summer 2015 party, penis-shaped hors d’oeuvres were served. That would be a mouthful of…oh, stop me now before I crack another joke.

That brings it all back to football and those deflated balls. Super Bowl XLIX occurs on Feb. 1 and there will surely be a lot of ball talk between now and then. Not to mention, the traditional stress of what to serve at a Super Bowl party. Take a lesson from the French and serve canapés in the shape of, well, balls – deflated, under-flated, completely flated like a ball should be. Take your pick. Your guests will thank you.

Suzi Parker, TBS’ resident mixologist, is an Arkansas-based political and cultural journalist and author of “Echo Ellis: Adventures of a Girl Reporter,” “Sex in the South: Unbuckling the Bible Belt” and “1000 Best Bartender’s Recipes.” She writes frequently for The Christian Science Monitor, The Economist, and numerous other publications. Follow her on Twitter at @SuziParker.

To schedule an interview with Suzi or book her for a speaking engagement, you can reach her at suziparker13@gmail.com.

  • Su Cross

    We have been so quick to expose female body parts for centuries, and yet male parts have been obsessively hidden. Maybe they are embarrassed of them or maybe they think their parts are sacred, and need to be protected from the female gaze. But I for one am sick of seeing our body parts all over the screen while the men remain covered up. Thank you for the article and the link. I took a quick peek… for educational purposes of course.

    Let’s see even more penises to even things out!!

    Then we ladies get a choice to compare, contrast, giggle, enjoy looking at, or simply make fun of intimate male body parts.

    Here are some of the things we could say:

    “Does it measure six inches or less when erect? That means it’s small.”

    “Does it bend to the left or the right?”

    “He really has a pair of “low hangers” (droopy testicles)”

    “Aww, he looks so sensitive and vulnerable with it on show. The slightest knock to it could send him to his knees.”

    “He has a mushroom head!”

    “His looks shrivelled. I bet it only manages a dribble rather than a spurt.”

    “It must be really cold in here (followed by guffaws)”

    Then we could have a female DJ play the song “don’t want no short dick man” by “20 fingers” when she sees a small one on stage.

    We could also host small willy contests (like the “Miss wet T-shirt contests” which men hold to be titillated), to observe how much shrinkage occurs when a penis is exposed to cold water.

    I wonder how long it would be then before men started complaining in droves about being objectified for the titillation of women.

  • Kate Hylen

    This article did give me a few giggles. Men just treat their “man bits” far too seriously.

    It reminded me of a joke from my schooldays (joke follows below):

    A young woman in her early twenties hadn’t had any sexual encounters before and she felt a little shy about sex but she was eager to learn after she found herself a boyfriend.

    After getting together one evening she decided to take the initiative and asked that he undress himself. When she first saw his penis, he explained to her that he referred to it as his “swan”. She decided to investigate things further…

    Shortly afterwards her older sister arrived home and saw the boyfriend writhing in agony on the floor so she asked her sister what was wrong.

    She replied “Well I was just gently stroking his swan, but then all of a sudden it spat white goo at me so I broke its neck, crushed its eggs, and set it’s nest on fire !”

    It still gives me the giggles after all these years !

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