Please, Tax My Fat Ass. I Need to Be Taught a Lesson.

via iStock Photo/Paul Johnson

Sodas are oh so yummy bad.

No duh.

Now is when I hurl my fat ass up onto my high horse and beg our legislators to tax one of my favorite things to imbibe.

SODA.

Yes, please tax my sodas. While you’re at it, please tax cigarettes, tobacco, marijuana (make it legal!), and any food containing high-fructose corn syrup.

I’m asking you to take MORE money from me and everyone else for eating junk food. We deserve to put a few extra pennies into our future diabetes and heart attack fund. We deserve to pay additional cents for eating crap food.

TAX US FATTIES.

Why did I launch myself up onto this equine?  While watching MSNBC and the great Rachel Maddow* (as all good liberals do), there was a commercial from Americans Against Food Taxes. In the commercial, a nice white suburban mom unloads her groceries from the trunk of her sedan and speaks to the viewer as a concerned citizen, scared that the evil government will take food out of the mouths of her babes for all those extra pennies she’ll have to pay for her “food” (*ahem* sodas).

Guess what, white lady. SODAS AREN’T FOOD. High-fructose corn syrup is not food. It’s a yummy concoction. Capri Suns are not food. They’re fake-sugary liquid candy (unless you get the 100% juice kind). Oreos are not food. They’re a delicious chemical compound.

I’m smart enough to know that I feed at the Trough of Crap. I know I’m addicted to sugar and HFCS. I also know better than to feed my kids high amounts of sugar and HFCS. They are severely limited on the number of sugary treats and do not drink soda. (They make up for my lack of parenting in the amount of TV they watch.)

I also know better than to believe that soda, sugar, and high-fructose corn syrup are foods and they are making us all fatter.

Like cigarettes and gas with extra “you’ll-die-someday-at-the-hands-of-evil-products” taxes, please dear government, please take a few extra pennies from my case of Mountain Dew purchase to help educate the masses about diabetes and heart disease. I can guaran-damn-tee that junk food and soda sales will not go down. We fatties are already paying too much for our addiction. Those extra few cents won’t kill us. The crap-food will do that first.

I’d love to know who is funding the Americans Against Food Taxes considering their supporters are corn growers, sugar growers, and Republican legislators, and grocers. (Actually, I’m sure I already know who’s against the tax just by that last statement.)

So please, Mr. Obama and all you other lame-duck Democrats in Congress, tax my fat ass. I deserve it.

_________________________

*My girl-crush on Rachel Maddow has no bearing on this conversation other than the fact that I may or may not have been day-dreaming of her Awesomeness while waiting for her return during the commercial break.

  • Ugh–the headline and your language made me think you were going to be talking about taxing people who are fat. Totally different topic from food taxes. Neither of which are LGBT issues, so I’m overall very confused. Food taxes, though, deserve a whole lot more inquiry. The only research I’m aware of extrapolates from general declines in purchasing during times of overall inflation. Food taxes are highly regressive, and with government SUBSIDIZING corn production, it gets incredibly um, sticky, to look at taxing HFCS. But even if you like food taxes, please don’t conflate it with taxing fat people. That’s a hot (plate) mess.

    • I only say “tax my fat ass” because I’m fat due to my bad eating habits. Also, I’m self-deprecating, so there’s that.

      I think Joanne tagged this as LGBT because I said I have a girl-crush on Rachel Maddow. Which, hello? Naturally I do.

  • Having recently quit smoking, after 20 something years of being imprisoned by my addiction, I would love for the government to put a $20 sin tax on every pack of cigarettes. It serves no valuable purpose in society, it is deadly and costs a tremendous amount of healthcare dollars and it preys on our teenagers. A $20 sin tax would be a tremendous motivation for smokers to get on Chantix (stop smoking medication that really works) and reject Big Tobacco.

Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
Get Over Yourselves. We’re All Rory Gilmore
Hillary Clinton, Shake It Off, Taylor Swift, Hillary Clinton Campaign song
Six Reasons “Shake It Off” Should Be Hillary Clinton’s Campaign Theme Song
Nancy Reagan dies, Just Say No, Ronald Reagan
A Not-So-Positive Ode to Nancy Reagan’s Frothy “Just Say No” Campaign
I Married for Health Insurance
Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
A Case of Nixonian Deja Vu
Post-Election Munchies: What is Your Grief Snack of Choice?
Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
A Case of Nixonian Deja Vu
Trump Reality Check, Now with Actual Facts!
Fascism Facts
I Married for Health Insurance
Get Over Yourselves. We’re All Rory Gilmore
Post-Election Munchies: What is Your Grief Snack of Choice?
Women’s Elections Rights in Saudi Arabia: A Token Drop in an Abysmal Bucket & the Plight of Women Under Sharia Law
Maybe It Wasn’t Rape: Emerging Matriarchy and the Altering of Women’s Past Sexual Narratives
Paris attacks, Paris terrorism
Is Paris Burning?
Chinese government and women's reproductive rights, adopting Chinese girls, international adoption
Dear Xi Jinping, I Am Writing to You as an American Mom of a 19-Year-Old Chinese Daughter
The Vital Voice of Hillary Clinton: Part 1
Maybe It Wasn’t Rape: Emerging Matriarchy and the Altering of Women’s Past Sexual Narratives
The Eyes Have It!
Ashley Madison, Jared Fogle, sex, rape, sexual affairs
Ashley Madison vs. Jared Fogle: Rape, Sex and Hacking in America
women's viagra, Viagra, Flibanserin, sexual arousal, women's desire, sex after menopause
That “Little Pink Pill” Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Get our new weekly email
Broadly Speaking

featuring our best words for the week + an exclusive longread