Uno, Dos, Trey!

Trey Gowdy Benghazi Hillary Clinton

“Hillary Clinton is a secret Muslim homeland terrorist in cahoots with ISIS,” whispered Gowdy. “Her emails that confirm that?” asked This Reporter. “Not if you read them as they appear,” said Gowdy, “But if you use a secret decoder ring it’s all there plain as day.”

“There is nothing political about our committee’s inquisition of Hillary Clinton,” said, Trey Gowdy, chairman of the Benghazi investigation.

“Inquisition?” asked This Reporter.

“Did I say that? I meant inquiry,” said Gowdy.

“The State Department has already ruled that there were no classified messages received or sent via her email, so what exactly is the purpose of the investigation?” asked This Reporter.

“Our purpose is to show the American people that Hillary Clinton is a manipulative, deceitful, Washington insider who cannot be trusted,” said Gowdy.

“That sounds political, considering that she is now the leading Democrat candidate for 2016,” said This Reporter.

“Now? Maybe. In six months? She’ll be just one more grandma pushing a cart around Toys R Us,” said Trey.

“When George W Bush was President, there were sixty attacks on US Embassies resulting in 60 deaths without any Congressional investigation. Why didn’t you investigate his Secretary of State?” asked This Reporter.

“Because Colin Powell didn’t use email to transmit classified information. He used carrier pigeons,” said Gowdy.

“Aren’t you concerned that the four million, eight hundred thousand dollars your investigation has cost taxpayers could backfire and be viewed as wasteful spending?” asked This Reporter.

“It’ll be worth every penny if we can just stay the course and peel the layers off  of Hillary Clinton’s cover-up of the Benghazi attack,” said Gowdy.

“What exactly do you hope to reveal that we don’t already know?” asked This Reporter.

“Strictly off the record?” asked Gowdy.

I put down my Bic pen and notepad. Gowdy cupped one hand over his mouth so no one could read his lips.

“Hillary Clinton is a secret Muslim homeland terrorist in cahoots with ISIS,” whispered Gowdy.

“Her emails that confirm that?” asked This Reporter.

“Not if you read them as they appear,” said Gowdy, “But if you use a secret decoder ring it’s all there plain as day.”

“Decoder ring?” said This Reporter.

Gowdy reached into his pocket and retrieved a plastic ring inset with a red glass stone.

“See, if you turn the ring, it substitutes one letter for another, so when an email reads ‘I want a pepperoni pizza sent to the West Wing,’ it becomes ‘America is the Great Satan we must destroy,’” said  Gowdy.

“How much did that ring cost?” asked This Reporter.

“Six dollars and two box tops from Fruit Loops,” said Gowdy.

“You’re using a toy ring to conduct a Congressional investigation?” said This Reporter.

“Why not? What’s a cell phone but an expensive toy?” snapped Gowdy.

“How long do you think you can sustain media interest in an investigation that’s going nowhere?” asked This Reporter.

“Ah. That’s no problem,” said Gowdy. “As soon as the email investigation ends, Hillary will be in the hot seat again, this time a Congressional committee will investigate her financial involvement with Planned Parenthood. We understand she once wrote them a check for fifty dollars. That should take a good four, five months. Then we hit her with our big guns.”

“What would that be?” asked This Reporter.

“Lawn care!” said Gowdy. “Wait till we reveal whose been clipping her hedges. Mexicans!”

“Aside from that offensive stereotype, what’s your point?” asked This Reporter.

“Only Hillary Clinton smuggled El Chapo out of a maximum security prison and gave him refuge in her Chappaqua home, disguised as a gardener!” said Gowdy.

“Who’s your source for this story? A maid or a neighbor?” said This Reporter.

“Better. I’ve got this!” said Gowdy, holding up a Crazy Eight Ball.

Humorist Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of DailyLobotomy.com and the author of Tender is the Brisket.

Image courtesy of LiberalAmerica.Org.

Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
Get Over Yourselves. We’re All Rory Gilmore
Hillary Clinton, Shake It Off, Taylor Swift, Hillary Clinton Campaign song
Six Reasons “Shake It Off” Should Be Hillary Clinton’s Campaign Theme Song
Nancy Reagan dies, Just Say No, Ronald Reagan
A Not-So-Positive Ode to Nancy Reagan’s Frothy “Just Say No” Campaign
I Married for Health Insurance
Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
A Case of Nixonian Deja Vu
Post-Election Munchies: What is Your Grief Snack of Choice?
Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
A Case of Nixonian Deja Vu
Trump Reality Check, Now with Actual Facts!
Fascism Facts
I Married for Health Insurance
Get Over Yourselves. We’re All Rory Gilmore
Post-Election Munchies: What is Your Grief Snack of Choice?
Women’s Elections Rights in Saudi Arabia: A Token Drop in an Abysmal Bucket & the Plight of Women Under Sharia Law
Maybe It Wasn’t Rape: Emerging Matriarchy and the Altering of Women’s Past Sexual Narratives
Paris attacks, Paris terrorism
Is Paris Burning?
Chinese government and women's reproductive rights, adopting Chinese girls, international adoption
Dear Xi Jinping, I Am Writing to You as an American Mom of a 19-Year-Old Chinese Daughter
The Vital Voice of Hillary Clinton: Part 1
Maybe It Wasn’t Rape: Emerging Matriarchy and the Altering of Women’s Past Sexual Narratives
The Eyes Have It!
Ashley Madison, Jared Fogle, sex, rape, sexual affairs
Ashley Madison vs. Jared Fogle: Rape, Sex and Hacking in America
women's viagra, Viagra, Flibanserin, sexual arousal, women's desire, sex after menopause
That “Little Pink Pill” Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Get our new weekly email
Broadly Speaking

featuring our best words for the week + an exclusive longread