25 Ways To End The Shutdown

iStock_000027806623XSmallWe’re wrapping up day 9 of the Great Government Shutdown of 2013 and everyone’s patience is wearing reeeeaaallllyyyy thin. My Facebook feed is a litany of restless furloughed workers who are alternately taking on strange household projects and irritating their spouses. They are NOT doing the work of the American people and they are angry about it.

Our elected officials don’t seem to be any closer to figuring this mess out than they were at the outset. They have had a lot of press conferences and closed-door meetings but there’s been no real progress from any of it. Earlier today, I took to my personal blog and offer some possible negotiating strategies that don’t involve calm discussion between reasonable adults, since that option is totally off the table. Here they are!

  1. Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock.
  2. Potato sack races.
  3. Supermarket sweep using WIC vouchers.
  4. Obama-Boehner twerk-off.
  5. Cantor-Biden twerk-off.
  6. Bo-McConnell twerk-off.
  7. Final Jeopardy-style question on the topic “Famous Compromises”.
  8. Arm wrestling. Putin referees.
  9. Boehner and Obama each try Anna Kendrick’s “Cups” routine and the one with the fewest mistakes wins.
  10. Simon Cowell watches and critiques Dem and GOP press conferences and picks the best performance.
  11. Throw Michele Bachmann in a lake. If she floats, we reopen the government. If she doesn’t, we reopen it anyway so the Coast Guard can be paid to save her.
  12. Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders simultaneously filibuster. Last Senator standing wins.
  13. Miss Janet, who taught at my son’s preschool last year, steps in and makes everyone behave then reads them stories after the vote.
  14. Reid and Boehner are each served uninspected fish. The last one to contract salmonella wins.
  15. McConnell and Pelosi call to get medical appointments through the VA. The first one to get taken off hold wins.
  16. We let Nate Silver fix it all.
  17. Or Robert Reich.
  18. Call an insider at Moody’s credit rating department and find out what they will do if we default on our debt. If it’s bad, don’t default on the debt. Duh.
  19. Bring kids whose Head Start classrooms are dark to the Capitol. Let the kids run loose in Tea Party Members’ offices. Make sure they have access to markers, glue, glitter, and scissors. Wait for surrender.
  20. Shut down the FAA. Totally. Just stop air traffic in the US. See how long the shut down lasts after that.
  21. Close the House gym.
  22. Let the lady who can’t get into a new NIH clinical trial for her cancer treatment filibuster.
  23. Furlough the Capitol Police but make Congress come to work anyway.
  24. Furlough Capitol custodial staff but make Congress come to work anyway.
  25. Tell John Boehner to put a clean CR bill that includes a debt limit increase on the floor and let it pass with the help of Democrats BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA SHOULD MATTER TO HIM AS MUCH AS CODDLING THE TEA PARTY DOES.

Rebekah Kuschmider is a DC area mom with an over-developed sense of irreverence, socialist tendencies, a cable news addiction, and a blog. Rebekah has an undergraduate degree in theatre and Master’s in Arts Policy and Administration and a decade of experience managing arts organizations and advocating in the public health sector.  Rebekah also blogs about her life, her thoughts, and her opinions at StayAtHomePundit.com.She was voted one of the Top 25 Political Mom Blogs at Circle of Moms. Her work has also been seen at Salon.com, Redbook online, and the Huffington Post.

Image via iStockphoto

  • Miss Janet has my vote!

  • Anne Born

    Nate Silver wins.

  • Tina

    I’m all over letting the Head Start kids in with scissors, paint, and glue. Excellent! Can you throw in a few playground balls and some bean bags too?

  • Martha Teitelbaum

    There are so many good ideas here. I particularly like the Headstart kids loosed in the Capitol with glitter. We developed a no-glitter policy in our house for very good reasons. Let the members of the House of Representatives deal with glitter. They’ll be screaming for mercy and to end the shutdown!

Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
Get Over Yourselves. We’re All Rory Gilmore
Hillary Clinton, Shake It Off, Taylor Swift, Hillary Clinton Campaign song
Six Reasons “Shake It Off” Should Be Hillary Clinton’s Campaign Theme Song
Nancy Reagan dies, Just Say No, Ronald Reagan
A Not-So-Positive Ode to Nancy Reagan’s Frothy “Just Say No” Campaign
I Married for Health Insurance
Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
A Case of Nixonian Deja Vu
Post-Election Munchies: What is Your Grief Snack of Choice?
Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
A Case of Nixonian Deja Vu
Trump Reality Check, Now with Actual Facts!
Fascism Facts
I Married for Health Insurance
Get Over Yourselves. We’re All Rory Gilmore
Post-Election Munchies: What is Your Grief Snack of Choice?
Women’s Elections Rights in Saudi Arabia: A Token Drop in an Abysmal Bucket & the Plight of Women Under Sharia Law
Maybe It Wasn’t Rape: Emerging Matriarchy and the Altering of Women’s Past Sexual Narratives
Paris attacks, Paris terrorism
Is Paris Burning?
Chinese government and women's reproductive rights, adopting Chinese girls, international adoption
Dear Xi Jinping, I Am Writing to You as an American Mom of a 19-Year-Old Chinese Daughter
The Vital Voice of Hillary Clinton: Part 1
Maybe It Wasn’t Rape: Emerging Matriarchy and the Altering of Women’s Past Sexual Narratives
The Eyes Have It!
Ashley Madison, Jared Fogle, sex, rape, sexual affairs
Ashley Madison vs. Jared Fogle: Rape, Sex and Hacking in America
women's viagra, Viagra, Flibanserin, sexual arousal, women's desire, sex after menopause
That “Little Pink Pill” Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Get our new weekly email
Broadly Speaking

featuring our best words for the week + an exclusive longread