Gather ’round, everyone! Big news! Hillary Clinton is running for President! Really! She is!
Did she announce her candidacy at a press conference? Well, no. Host her first campaign fundraiser? Nope. Smile coyly when asked about a potential run on a morning talk show? Not that, either.
But she DID cut her hair! And that’s enough to signal that this lady is getting ready to lead the free world. If a picture is worth a thousand words, surely a new hairdo is worth 500 on the topic of the biggest decision a person can make about her public life. Right?
Mrs. Clinton isn’t the only one making news with her appearance this week. Read on.
1. Michelle Obama Wore a Dress and Then Did Something. If you feel as though you can’t read a story about Michelle Obama without hearing what the woman was wearing at the time of the reported event, prepare to be vindicated. In a story about the Kids’ State Lunch, hosted by and held at the White House, the First Lady’s attire didn’t just feature prominently in the article, it made it into the headline. Before addressing the circumstances of the lunch itself, USA Today wrestled with whether Mrs. Obama’s shift dress would be better described as “yellow” or “corn-colored.” Either way, we are assured that she “glowed,” setting off the “large map of the USA” and the “bowls of oranges and limes” just so. The early buzz is that the dress is a signal she will join the Fruit of the Loom cast in 2017.
2. Lady Astronaut Struggles with Hair Care. Maybe you’ll trust her with gathering moon dust and defying gravity, but don’t let this woman near you with a comb and hair product. NASA astronaut Karen Nyberg is currently orbiting the planet, but her hair isn’t doing her any favors. She recently posted a video on YouTube – from space – explaining how she washes her hair – in space. To summarize: she doesn’t do it well. The poor dear forgot to get a haircut before she left the sound barrier, and now zero gravity won’t even let her get a lather going. The early buzz is that as soon as she returns to Earth, the tears of frustration will finally start falling down her cheeks instead of up her forehead.
3. Dressing Like a Man Just Got Easier. Mary Going started an online suit store in 2012 after she couldn’t find a satisfying suit for her 2008 wedding. The line, called Saint Harridan, specializes in classic men’s suits tailored for women. It joins other companies looking to “liberate men’s wear” by putting it on women. Right now, the gender-norm subverting look is largely associated with lesbians, transgender men, tomboys, and the androgynous. The early buzz is that soon that narrowly defined audience will simply be labeled “comfortable.”
4. A Lady is Never Drunk and Disorderly. When Tonie Marie King, 21, was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct in North Carolina, she was brought before Judge Brenda Branch. After delivering a sermon on “proper deportment,” Judge Branch issued a unique sentence: Ms. King must submit a two-page essay on “How A Lady Should Behave in Public.” The strong implication is that “drunk and disorderly” is not the correct answer. To the contrary, Judge Branch got the ball rolling for Ms. King by providing the following thesis statements: “You don’t go out drinking and fighting and yelling. You dress well. You speak well. You show people respect, and you’ll earn respect.” The early buzz is that Judge Branch will next be appointed to the bench of an English cottage at which a pivotal scene from a Jane Austen novel will play out in the next movie adaptation.
5. A Lady Should Never Ask to Use the Facilities. Ruth Calderon was recently elected to Israel’s Parliament, one of a record number of women to join the legislative body’s ranks. She requested that the ladies be given access to a dedicated room where, perhaps, they could “freshen up” over the course of a long workday. Calderon explained that the extended hours created a “need for makeup,” but she promised it wouldn’t be “theatrical makeup.” Proving that one woman’s blush is another’s blaze of glory, a female lawmaker from a rival faction pounced on the request. A picture of Calderon was posted on Facebook, with CGI-like exaggeration of blush and eye makeup. “There are some things makeup can’t hide,” one commenter posted. The early buzz is that Calderon will soon announce her intention to leave politics to join the circus – the real one, with the animals and the acrobats.
6. Dustin Hoffman Explains Being a Woman. In a recent interview about the making of the movie “Tootsie,” Dustin Hoffman spoke about how he was able to play a woman by asking himself what his life would have been like if he had actually been born a woman. His answer is so awesomely incredible that I don’t want to spoil it by trying to describe it. Just watch the video below. The early buzz is that Dustin Hoffman is your new favorite person, alive or dead.
Don’t forget to check back next week for the 6 Things you’ll need to know!