What’s the “real” story behind Ben Carson’s story about not losing his temper since he was a teen?
“The American people trust me because they know that I am not an angry Black man. In fact, I never get angry,” said GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson.
“How is that possible?” asked This Reporter.
“As I explained in my autobiography, I had an explosive temper in my childhood. I once stabbed a playmate over a senseless argument,” said Carson. “My mother was understandably horrified and performed an intricate surgical procedure on me, right there on the kitchen table with a Black and Decker power tool.”
“What exactly did she do?” asked This Reporter.
“For all intents and purposes, you could say she ‘brained’ me,” said Carson. “Ever since then, I have been as calm as a tomato aspic. That’s what inspired me to become a brain surgeon.”
“Your mother performed amateur brain surgery on you?” asked This Reporter.
“I wouldn’t call it amateur. Medical schools grant degrees. God grants surgical outcomes,” said Carson. “If my mother hadn’t removed my temper, I’d probably be on Death Row by now, not hypnotizing Republicans with my sloooow, soooothing voice.”
“Well, yes. Hypnosis is a technique I use to reassure patients who wake up while I’ve got my hand inside their skull,” said Carson. “All successful surgeons speak in a hypnotic gentle voice, especially when telling families we are going to surgically remove their nest eggs and transfer their life savings to an offshore account.”
“Speaking of offshore accounts, what is your financial involvement with Mannatech?” said This Reporter.
“I’m sooooory. Could you please repeaaaaaaaat thaaaat?” said Carson, taking a pocket watch out and swinging it back and forth in front of my face. “You are getting very sleeeeeepy. Your eyes are closing….Just listen to the sound of my voice and let yourself gooooooo……”
“Please, stop that!” said This Reporter. “Just answer the question.”
“And what was that?” said Carson.
“Mannatech, the supplement company that was the focus of a class action lawsuit for alleged violations of the Securities Exchange Act,” said This Reporter.
“Oh, I have no involvement,” said Carson.
“But you accepted payment for making numerous promotional videos that appear on their website and even stated during the last Republican Debate that you take their supplements,” said This Reporter.
“Just because I take Mannatech supplements which have been proven to prevent and cure every disease known to Mankind, doesn’t mean I am affiliated with the company,” said Carson. “And I wasn’t paid for my appearance in their videos. I was simply given a condo in the Bahamas, a chalet in Jackson Hole and a SubZero filled with filet mignon.”
“Isn’t it true that Mannatech’s claims were totally rejected by an expert at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine where you practiced neurosurgery?” asked This Reporter.
“Oh, that windbag!” said Carson. “He was just trying to get back at me for stabbing him with a fork in the hospital cafeteria.”
“I beg your pardon?” said This Reporter.
“Hey, he had it coming,” said Carson. “We were moving down the cafeteria line together and there was just one slice of apple pie left. I said dibs and he grabbed it just for spite.”
“You stabbed your colleague?” asked This Reporter.
“It was all in good fun,” said Carson. “We rushed him to the O.R. and they reattached his thumb in no time.”
“I thought you said you never get angry,” said This Reporter. “What happens if you’re elected and Putin grabs a small country you had your eyes on?”
“Well, then, I’ll just have to rev up my power tools and see what’s going on inside that Commie’s head,” said Carson.
Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of DailyLobotomy.com