Deflated balls and peek-a-boo penises are everywhere.
What’s a broad to do?
First, there’s Tom Brady and his deflated, or under-flated (however you want to describe them), balls. Either way, they are less than full-on inflated balls. And who likes that?
The New England Patriots’ “DeflateGate” drama got the whole country talking and snickering about balls this week. Thank you, Tom Brady, we are all back in junior high laughing about …yes, balls. In fact, deflated balls are nothing to laugh at, right? It means someone (i.e. the Patriots) likely cheated. Life lesson here: People with balls do not cheat.
Those mushy balls forced the NFL to release a statement Friday saying, in part: “The investigation began based on information that suggested that the game balls used by the New England Patriots were not properly inflated to levels required by the playing rules, specifically Playing Rule 2, Section 1, which requires that the ball be inflated to between 12.5 and 13.5 pounds per square inch.”
Those seem like some heavy balls.
The statement continued: “Prior to the game, the game officials inspect the footballs to be used by each team and confirm that this standard is satisfied, which was done before last Sunday’s game.”
Inspecting balls. I won’t even go there.
The NFL also hired a former Democratic operative and attorney Ted Wells, who was a campaign treasurer for Democratic Bill Bradley’s 2000 presidential campaign. Tough job but someone has to investigate Brady’s balls.
Meanwhile, across the pond, in France where the ladies wear no pants, the men are showing, well, their private parts on the runway. It’s about time, I say.
At American designer Rick Owens’ menswear show on Thursday, four male models strutted down the catwalk “wearing clothes with peepholes that showed full-frontal male nudity underneath,” according to The Guardian.
Anyone on the front row surely got an eyeful. (Pun intended.) We won’t show the pictures here because, of course, we’re too ladylike to do so. But if you care and we know you probably do, you can click here to see some models hanging out of their haute couture.
What’s the world coming to when men are showing their (insert your favorite word of choice here for that body part) to sell designer garb? Equality? Yes, possibly. It’s not just women who are now exploited for the sake of fashion.
Also, in Paris, at Acne’s spring/summer 2015 party, penis-shaped hors d’oeuvres were served. That would be a mouthful of…oh, stop me now before I crack another joke.
That brings it all back to football and those deflated balls. Super Bowl XLIX occurs on Feb. 1 and there will surely be a lot of ball talk between now and then. Not to mention, the traditional stress of what to serve at a Super Bowl party. Take a lesson from the French and serve canapés in the shape of, well, balls – deflated, under-flated, completely flated like a ball should be. Take your pick. Your guests will thank you.
Suzi Parker, TBS’ resident mixologist, is an Arkansas-based political and cultural journalist and author of “Echo Ellis: Adventures of a Girl Reporter,” “Sex in the South: Unbuckling the Bible Belt” and “1000 Best Bartender’s Recipes.” She writes frequently for The Christian Science Monitor, The Economist, and numerous other publications. Follow her on Twitter at @SuziParker.
To schedule an interview with Suzi or book her for a speaking engagement, you can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.