Obama vs. Romney Round Three: An Imagined Concession Letter

Dear America,

I hope you tuned in last night to the third and final debate of this presidential cycle.  It was a rousing affair.  I am not ashamed to tell you I, like Chris Matthews in 2008, received an unexpected thrill up my leg when listening to our masterful President.

But I want to make it official:  I, Mitt Romney, endorse President Barack Hussein Obama for president.

Those of you closely watching my candidacy have probably been wondering when I would finally make my wholehearted embrace of the moderate middle and the policies of Mr. Obama.  Last night, that’s when!

I am going to take a lot of heat from Donald Trump for this.  This is the big reveal he was promising to make Wednesday that “would decide the election.”  Well, beat you to the punch Trumpy!  Anyway, I could buy, sell, outsource and resell “The Donald” until the cattle arrive at their home-places.

But back to my full-throated endorsement of our President.  I want to make several things clear:  first and foremost, had I been president, I would have labeled China a currency manipulator on day one.  And, Olympics.

Next,  I, like Mr. Obama who won the Nobel Peace Prize, would have been the president of peace.  Ending our war in Iraq, not sending another 20,000 of our servicemen (and women!) into harm’s way, deescalating the Afghanistan problem responsibly, and mimicking the inspirational, right-minded tack Mr. Obama has taken in Syria and with pesky Iran.  We are four years closer to a nuclear Iran, but that is only because it is four years later.

Um, can you say drones?  I can!

Another thing – and I can’t put fine enough a point on this – when you all head into your polling place with your proper voter ID and pull that curtain and perform your greatest act as a citizen, I want you to know something.  Not only did our President fully equip Seal Team Six with the most technologically sound bayonets to track down and skewer through the head Obama Bin – err, uh – Osama Bin Laden, he also successfully reclaimed our most valued treasure from that dirty compound in Turdbeckistanystanstan, our binders filled with Big Birds.   I mean, the plumage.

But perhaps most importantly, I want to give a shout out to the ladies.  I hope that I have made clear not just in last night’s debate but in the previous debate, how much I support women, here and abroad.  After that first debate, Romney Central’s focus groups told me I had to get the lady-folk behind me.  Olympics.

Of course, this is something President Obama has been a model for me on.  I mean, I never once said that women shouldn’t be allowed to access contraceptives or have the ability to plan their families.  I mean, if we are going to have women in the workforce, they can’t be running off to have babies every year.  I recognize we can’t all live the Duggar Dream.  Blunt Amendment, Schmunt Amendment is what we say around my chalet.

If there is one thing I learned during my time in France during the Vietnam War, it is how to make puff pastry. Bon Appétit!   But don’t listen to me — I’ll let the Salt Lake City Tribune make that clear:

“[I]t was Romney’s singular role in rescuing Utah’s organization of the 2002 Olympics from a cesspool of scandal, and his oversight of the most successful Winter Games on record, that make him the Beehive State’s favorite adopted son. After all, Romney managed to save the state from ignominy, turning the extravaganza into a showcase for the matchless landscapes, volunteerism and efficiency that told the world what is best and most beautiful about Utah and its people.

In short, this is the Mitt Romney we knew, or thought we knew, as one of us.

“Sadly, it is not the only Romney, as his campaign for the White House has made abundantly clear, first in his servile courtship of the tea party in order to win the nomination, and now as the party’s shape-shifting nominee. From his embrace of the party’s radical right-wing, to subsequent portrayals of himself as a moderate champion of the middle class, Romney has raised the most frequently asked question of the campaign: ‘Who is this guy, really, and what in the world does he truly believe?’ “

I mean, right?

So, today I can tell you that I, Mitt Romney, am an Obama supporter! Ann and I have ordered yard signs for all of our 12 homes, will have Julio our long time (legal!) gardener installing them today.

God Bless American!

Guest contributor Andy Kopsa is a writer based in New York City. Her work has appeared in numerous publications including Ms. Blog, Religion Dispatches, RH Reality Check and The American Independent. She is a native Iowan and former Iowa newspaper editor. She blogs at Off The Record and you can find her on Twitter @andykopsa.

Image via iStockphoto/Maria Dryfhout

Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
Get Over Yourselves. We’re All Rory Gilmore
Hillary Clinton, Shake It Off, Taylor Swift, Hillary Clinton Campaign song
Six Reasons “Shake It Off” Should Be Hillary Clinton’s Campaign Theme Song
Nancy Reagan dies, Just Say No, Ronald Reagan
A Not-So-Positive Ode to Nancy Reagan’s Frothy “Just Say No” Campaign
I Married for Health Insurance
Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
A Case of Nixonian Deja Vu
Post-Election Munchies: What is Your Grief Snack of Choice?
Why I Wrote “Trumping And Drinking”
A Case of Nixonian Deja Vu
Trump Reality Check, Now with Actual Facts!
Fascism Facts
I Married for Health Insurance
Get Over Yourselves. We’re All Rory Gilmore
Post-Election Munchies: What is Your Grief Snack of Choice?
Women’s Elections Rights in Saudi Arabia: A Token Drop in an Abysmal Bucket & the Plight of Women Under Sharia Law
Maybe It Wasn’t Rape: Emerging Matriarchy and the Altering of Women’s Past Sexual Narratives
Paris attacks, Paris terrorism
Is Paris Burning?
Chinese government and women's reproductive rights, adopting Chinese girls, international adoption
Dear Xi Jinping, I Am Writing to You as an American Mom of a 19-Year-Old Chinese Daughter
The Vital Voice of Hillary Clinton: Part 1
Maybe It Wasn’t Rape: Emerging Matriarchy and the Altering of Women’s Past Sexual Narratives
The Eyes Have It!
Ashley Madison, Jared Fogle, sex, rape, sexual affairs
Ashley Madison vs. Jared Fogle: Rape, Sex and Hacking in America
women's viagra, Viagra, Flibanserin, sexual arousal, women's desire, sex after menopause
That “Little Pink Pill” Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Get our new weekly email
Broadly Speaking

featuring our best words for the week + an exclusive longread