The Vag Pitch

vaginas, poetry, vaginal dryness, humor

You’d have to be pretty uptight not to see the absurdity and comic potential when a friend refers you for such a pitch from a “marketing coordinator” for a cosmetic surgeon offering to laser your vagina so it can be its very own superhero.

Boy, for someone who hates the word “vagina” as I do (second only to how much I hate the word “panties,”) I seem to be the go-to person for this burgeoning art form I’d like to call, “GYNOPOETRY.”

We in the blogging industry often receive a variety of pitches from people and businesses hoping we will review/write about/endorse their products and services. By “WE,” I mean “NOT ME,” because I have the social media reach of, say, oh, my great-grandma Nellie who died when I was three.

My friend, “C,” on the other hand, who has approximately – NO EXAGGERATION – 814 BILLION followers on Twitter, is another story. Okay, so SHE gets pitches. I do not.

Anyhow, C received yet another email offering to fix up her vagina. Vaginal discomfort is no joke,  and, by all means, I applaud every effort to ease the onset of such symptoms, and shame no one for seeking whatever remedies they have time for and can afford.

However, you’d have to be pretty uptight not to see the absurdity and comic potential when a FRIEND refers you for such a pitch from a “marketing coordinator” for a cosmetic surgeon offering to laser your vagina so it can be its very own superhero. Here’s an excerpt:

I was referred to you by {name withheld}, who thought we would be a great fit for each other… [ed. note – SERIOUSLY??? A “great fit?” For a vag pitch?]

…There is now a clinical solution for a better feminine life called FemiLift, which is offered here at Dr. {name withheld}’s office.

So, what exactly is Femilift?  Femilift is breakthrough technology using an Alma CO2 laser to deliver fractionated thermal energy to assist in the vaginal mucosal revitalization. Alma Lasers which manufactures the technology is the worldwide leader of aesthetic and surgical laser technologies. 

Got that?  So…my friend, C, asked me to write her a poem, knowing I have garnered great accolades for my last attempt to wax poetic about another female sex organ, the clitoris.

What could I say? How could I refuse? Of course, C, I will write you a poem. Because vaginas stick together:

DEAR DR. X,

I haven’t quite the words I’d like to answer back your pitch.
Well, yes, I do, but possibly they’d get me called a bitch.

Should I be thrilled that you have filled a growing “need” among us,
Which if successful, cuts down on our partner’s need to tongue us?

Or should I just resign myself to work up fascination
With your skills promising mucosal revitalization?

It’s true the culprit of an “aging” lady’s bedroom shyness
Might be the thing you aim to fix: this new vaginal dryness…

The mode, though, you propose to use (Alma CO2 laser)
Invokes the image of Captain Piccard using his phaser.

Which actu’lly might make the prospect totally less frightening…
Who wouldn’t want Jean-Luc performing her vaginal tightening?

But, I digress. I’m sure your services can make life better
For women who would like their liaisons a little wetter.

And yet, knowing that aging causes priorities shifting,
Does not mean I’d suggest to friends they need vaginal lifting.

Yours in tightness,

C.

p.s. I don’t like this poem as much as my “Ode to the Clitoris,” but that is only because I couldn’t figure out a good rhyme for “fractionated thermal energy.”

Aliza Worthington grew up in Brooklyn, NY, and now lives in Baltimore. She began writing in 2009 at the age of 40. Sometimes her writing follows The Seinfeld Model of “no learning, no hugging.” Other times it involves lots of both. She blogs about Life, Liberty and Happiness at “The Worthington Post.” Her work also appears in Purple Clover, and before that, in Catonsville Patch and Kveller. She has been featured in the Community Spotlight section of Daily Kos under the username “Horque.”  She has won BlogHer Voice of the Year awards in 2013 and 2015. Follow her on Twitter at @AlizaWrites.

Image via Flickr/Georgia O’Keeffe/CC License

  • Anne Parris

    What that procedure needs is an app and a funny commercial.

  • This is one pitch I don’t care if I ever get. Good poem though.

  • omg! this is HYSTERICAL! (except for the vaginal discomfort part)

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