So you want to incorporate your reproductive organs? Of course you do! Since it’s clear that corporations are respected more than women in the U.S, it’s the best way to go. You might have questions about how to ensure you are protected to the full extent of the law given recent Supreme Court rulings. Here are some helpful answers about corporations.
What is a corporation?
A corporation is a distinct legal entity created under state laws which can open a bank account, purchase property, enter into contracts, pay employees, choose a religion, take vacations with nice people like Hollywood stars, pose for selfies, conduct manipulative studies in your social media feeds, get bailouts, be leaned into, pay white men more than anyone else, stuff like that. They are basically pretty cool. You definitely want one for your reproductive system.
Does every reproductive system need to become a corporation?
NO! Male reproductive systems are by and large in good standing with our institutions without additional processes, thus freeing them to worry about other things, like LeBron’s antics or building and maintaining wealth and power. Only female reproductive systems in whole or part are good candidates for the protection of incorporation. Storks are not included in your corporation application.
Do I need an attorney to file for incorporation?
No, you do not need an attorney to form a reproductive system corporation. You can prepare the legal paperwork and file it yourself with your OB/GYN, provided that he or she resides in any country that provides equitable health care to women without trying to exclude reproductive health care from the rest of her body (you have lots of countries to choose from), and provided that you reside in that country as well. We recommend Denmark but Canada is also beautiful this time of year. Alternatively, you can file at the ballot box each and every time you vote. Some vaginas are Ready for Hillary right now!
How do I choose a corporate name?
The name of a corporation must end with “incorporated,” “corporation” or an abbreviation. You are free to deploy anatomically correct verbiage for any part to signify the whole (Karen’s Labia Majora, Inc.) a branded name (The Center of the Fucking Universe Corporation) or branded invective of your choice (Back Out of My Vagina You Relentless Misogynists, Inc.).
Well, that’s the goal, but at this point we do need to disclose that it’s currently pretty crowded in your reproductive system. The GOP is all up in there. The religious right has pitched a tent and they won’t leave until you replace them with a quiverfull. There are wands and waiting periods and custody disputes and all manner of malarky, and some other corporations keep trying to move in with floral sprays and nozzles and whatnot, and, oh, it’s a constant defense against street harassment, sexual assault, you know, the usual. Bottom line, yes, you should be the only shareholder in your reproductive system but it’s not a given.
Are there costs involved?
Oh God yes. So sorry about that.
What is a corporate charter?
Also called “articles of incorporation”, your charter is a written document filed with a U.S. state by the founders of your corporation detailing the major components of a company such as its objectives, its structure and its planned operations. If the charter is approved by the state government, the company becomes a legal corporation. Basically, this is your manifesto. It’s time to write one. Write one for your pussy, your vagina, your clitoris, your uterus, your pituitary glands (oh, also mammary, oh also all your other glands), your ovaries, your heart and soul, your amygdala (and the rest of your brain), your estrogen, your pelvis, your breasts, your colostrum, your granulosa cells (hell, all of your cells), your blood, your internal os, your endometrium, your fallopian tubes (both or one), your cervix, your nipples, your uterine lining (again and again), your G-spot, your pubic hair, your follicles, your eggs (present, past & future), your stretchmarks, your labia, oh my god everything about you, your motherfucking DNA.
Write your corporate charter manifesto and affix your corporate seal. Send it to your government and nail it on your street corner. Help someone write hers by shielding her with your body as a clinic escort or hold her purse in the ER as she stands over a rape kit evidence collection cloth. Then wake up tomorrow and do it again.
That’s all there is to it! Please direct any other questions to your elected officials.
Cross-posted with permission from Deb on the Rocks. Deb Rox is a writer who also consults with businesses and publishers about digital marketing, content strategy, branding and business development. Follow Deb on Twitter